PLAYING ALONG AT LAUGHING #RainbowTowersComedyFest

Thursday night at the Rainbow Towers had been a much anticipated day among comic enthusiasts. The event was well advertised, you would see adverts of it literally everywhere and the fact that the posters mentioned South African comics coming, in addition to it being a Carl Joshua Ncube production, the hype was incredible. Sadly, I have never been more disappointed!

The show started sometime after 7pm, with an intro from Goliath and Goliath of Carl Joshua. This is when everything went wrong! I had rightly thought Carl was hosting the show; turns out he was hosting/performing all at the same time! Who does that? If he wanted to do his whole set for us why did he not just find someone to host and make himself the headline act? Clearly he craves for attention that much.

Speaking of the headline act, we totally loved. What choice did we have? Almost everything that had been happening before that was just horrible! But before we get to the horrible part, let’s talk about Q a little. He was the underdog, even called himself the David of the show, but just like the last Simuka he killed, with a standing ovation and everything! If you were at the last Simuka that Q was hosting, then you will remember that he started his little thing where if the audience did not like an act, they would call out Q. Funniest thing happened, a couple of times when Carl was on stage, I heard people calling for Q, lol.

Speaking of calling for Q, at first I thought maybe I’m just not getting it, but after hearing those calls, I knew for sure Carl just was not funny. Yes there were laughs here and there, some people even said they had enjoyed the show, but get this, if you have paid $15 for a show, and you do not frequent the country’s comedy clubs so you figure if you are at a comedy show, laughing is a must, and you probably have a phobia of appearing slow, then you will definitely laugh. It’s called playing along at laughing, lol!

Jason Goliath came next after Q and well, there really is not much that can be said about his performance. Then there was Michael K. The first few minutes were a breadth of fresh air. I wasn’t just smiling anymore; I even began to enjoy the show. And then I have no idea what happened, suddenly it was as if we were watching a bad impression of Mutirowafanza! I was so mad at him! How could he do such a thing when we all know very well he’s a destroyer! And then it was time for the headline act – Donovan Goliath.

By this time I was convinced the show wasn’t going to get any better. And unexpectedly, he had me gasping for air! He got around to dissing black women’s horrible poor quality weaves and how they love to twang - the room was just filled with crazy genuine laughter! We had definitely left playing along. You just had to love the way he got to talking about how Africans cannot sing about certain things and get away with it.

            “Imagine an Afrikaner singing‘I woke up in a new Bugatti’. It just wouldn’t go. It   would sound      more believable if he sang I woke up in a new blue bakkie!”ha ha

 And then he concluded with an impression of a sort of fictional young Madiba who had swag and rapped for votes. I mean come on! Imagine Madiba with tattoos, rapping and being all gangster! Lol, Donovan got nerve!

And then the show was over. If the Host had been funny, the show would have been AMAZING, unfortunately the host butchered what would have been a perfectly good show, Nxa!

Obstetric Fistulas: SOMETHING ALL WOMEN SHOULD BE WARY ABOUT.

Earlier this week we got to meet up with Andrew Strang, an English Social Worker who has been in the country for a year now working for Whinfield Charitable Trust. The Trust is involved with a number of activities, including the Stomaltherapy Clinic in Harare. What took our interest is the Fistula outreach they have going on, which is doing so much for the women in the country.

What is an obstetric fistula? 

It is a hole between the bladder and the vagina or the rectum, or both. It is a childbirth injury caused by prolonged obstructed labour, without timely medical intervention; typically, a Caesarean section. The baby almost always dies during labour.

How and why does a fistula occur? 

During unassisted prolonged labour, the sustained pressure of the baby’s head on the mother’s pelvic bone damages her soft tissues, creating a hole—or fistula—between the vagina and the bladder and/or rectum. The pressure prevents blood flow to the tissue, leading to necrosis (a form of cell injury that results in the premature death of cells in living tissue). Eventually, the dead tissue sloughs off, damaging the original structure of the vagina. The result is a constant leaking of urine and/or faeces through the vagina.

Fistulas occur when emergency obstetric care is unavailable to women who develop complications during childbirth. This is why women living in remote rural areas with little access to medical care are mostly at risk.

Are fistulas anything to worry about?

They are most common in poor communities in sub-Saharan Africa and Asia where access to obstetric care is limited. About two million women remain untreated in developing countries and between 50,000 and 100,000 new cases occur each year. If left untreated, fistula can lead to frequent ulcerations and infections, kidney diseases, and sometimes death. Some women drink minimally to avoid leakages. As a result, they become dehydrated. In addition, damage to the nerves in the legs leaves fistula patients unable to walk, creating the need for extensive physical rehabilitation.

Why do so few people know about fistula?

Fistula is a relatively hidden problem, largely because it affects the most marginalized members of society: young, poor, illiterate women in remote areas. Many never present themselves for treatment. Because of the shame and stigma associated with the condition, they often chose to suffer alone, remaining ignored.

How can fistula be prevented?

Prevention, rather than treatment, is the key to ending fistula. Making family planning available to all those who desire it would considerably reduce maternal deaths and disabilities. Complementing that with skilled birth attendance and emergency obstetric care for women who may develop complications during delivery would reduce the rate of fistula in developing countries.

Whinfield Trust

So what the Whinfield Trust has been doing is fund raise to help with surgical treatment for the women suffering from this problem. Their presence has not only been felt in Zimbabwe only but also in a few more African countries. Right now, it has been confirmed that an Ethiopian surgeon will be flying in from Paris and stay here for a week. She has performed over 5000 operations and now she is going to operate on a number of obstetric fistula patients in the country.

Hearing Andrew talk about these women was so sad, it had me thinking how anyone can handle dealing with sad stories every day. And what is even sadder is that the most affected are teens, some as young as 12! They have lost a number of patients who they had become almost family with. “Mostly satisfaction comes from being able to help and see someone benefiting. When you see children suffering though, it’s more difficult”, Andrew said. We are just glad something positive is being done to deal with this hidden problem.

PRESS RELEASE: SIMUKA COMEDY PRESENTS ALMOST ALL DIVAS COMEDY NIGHT

In line with the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence Simuka Comedy scores another first. After launching two years ago as the first comedy club in Zimbabwe, it now brings you the first women professional comedy club – ALMOST All Divas Comedy Night, to make its debut on the 3^rd of December.

The show will be opened by singer Kessia Magosha who is also going to do a stand-up performance later in the night. Wadzanai Chiuriri a.k.a BlackPearl, an acclaimed poet, also just getting in to comedy will be the Night’s host. And just to spice things up, there will also be a sacrificial male comedian.

Basically, it is a night all about having fun and hearing what the female comics have to say. Women have been at the mercy of the male comics for so long, that Simuka just had to intervene and make sure women get to have a chance for a rebuttal! Because of the 16 Days of Activism as well, there will be an open mic where the ladies can also get up on stage and show us what they are made of.

December 3 therefore, is the official genesis for a whole new wave of comedy craziness that Simuka Comedy is bringing to the country. Starting with the ALMOST All Divas Comedy Night, Simuka Comedy will be hosting comedy nights at the Book Café every Tuesday. The first Tuesdays there will be ALMOST All Divas Comedy Night, Open Mic Comedy will be on the second Tuesday of the month and on the third Tuesday there will be ImprovComedy.

For this debut show of the Simuka Tuesday Comedy Nights, Show starts at 7pm and admission is $5.

Buffet Special at The PanAfrika Restaurant #KutiZvityise!!!

The PanAfrika Restaurant is one of those places you go to and you think you’ve just travelled back in time. It makes you feel proud to be African because the beauty of the continent has never been as superbly displayed.

Strategically located in the quiet part of Belgravia on Number 4 Deary Avenue, the restaurant offers a serene atmosphere. As you walk in, your eyes are instantly captured and captivated by the swimming pool by the entrance, stone gazebo in front of you, veranda on your right and right on the perfectly manicured lawn - tables and chairs spread by java print cloth.

This summer, they are having buffets on Fridays and Sundays, with a local artist to entertain #KutiZvityise! Last Friday when we went, an Afro Jazz singer called Munya was entertaining the guests and well, it’s a wonder how anyone can leave that place after lunch and go back to work. Once you get in, you do not want to go out again.

Traditional food is served every day. So if you have been longing for grandmama’s cooking – PanAfrika Restaurant is the perfect place to go for that true African experience. They have one Congolese chef and two Zimbabwean ones, and they are open every day from 11am to 7pm. They also do catering and events.

When we got there, we got an exceptionally wonderful reception from the waiters and waitresses who were also in java print uniforms. After we had served ourselves and taken our seats, we were most especially impressed by the fact that we had our hands washed in clay vessels (jug and bowl)! Totally felt like we were back in the rural home.

What did we have for lunch? Lol! Well, most of it we couldn’t exactly express ourselves in the Queen’s language and give justice to the names of the food. What you ought to know though, is that for genuine African cuisine from all over the continent, PanAfrika Restaurant is definitely the place.

Check out PanAfrika’s pics on our facebook page www.facebook.com/trueafricanwomanmagazine

HARARE: SUNSHINE CITY ONCE UPON A TIME

It has become quite interesting, annoying and frustrating all at the same time, living in Harare. My aunt once said the city has somehow transformed into the cliché African city that you are likely to find Leonardo Dicaprio in for an African scene.

On a normal day, what you will find is unbelievably dirty and crowded streets. I honestly wonder what the City Council is doing if not cleaning and decongesting our streets. Speaking of decongesting our streets, it beats me how at all they could think they are doing just that when all they have managed to do is cause a lot of chaos where kombis are concerned.

Once upon a time walking in town used to be safe. Now it’s dangerous for you might just end up at the morgue because you got hit and run by a kombi being chased by the Council police! What is up with that? We would rather have things be left as they are, until proper infrastructure has been built to accommodate all public transport. Because as it is, the “cops and robbers” scenario is ridiculous!

The interesting aspect comes from what we could call “street entertainment”. If you live in the city and frequent the CBD, down town especially, then you would most probably have seen street preachers and street entertainers as well. The preachers could raise quite a controversial argument. Are they genuine or are they seeking to make a quick buck whilst they appear to be “holy”? It reminds one though, of the ancient Greek preachers and philosophers who would stand in the streets and preach and teach lol. The entertainers vary in artistic discipline. Some are performers and some ‘athletes’, like the biker who usually frequents the spot by corner Speke and Rezende.

Justice would not have been made to the chaos in Harare if we neglected to talk of the street vendors. They are everywhere! The sidewalks seem to have become their permanent places of work. Their merchandise varies from dvds, hair products, stationery, vegetables, articles of clothing... the list is endless!!!

To think Harare was once called the Sunshine City. To say that now, would seem a mockery. If nobody does anything to rectify this, we are never going to recognize our city again!

DEVELOP YOUR OWN SIGNATURE

Who do we mostly look up to for trend setting? Yes, models, you got that right! Why? Because there is something about them that makes you want to imitate their style. But what is that something? A sort of umpf that is irresistible. And how do you also acquire that umpf for yourself? By developing a signature! A signature in this context, is a mark of representation that is unique in execution. So if you are going to be a lady of class, you ought to have your own signature in terms of the way you carry yourself.

Signature Stride

The way you walk signifies the kind of woman you are. Are you a power woman? Because power women know that they are important, do not have time for nonsense and therefore, their strides show exactly that. Nyaradzo Nhongonhema on the ramp executed a to die for stride. She was the 2nd Princess of Miss Tourism Mashonaland Central 2009 who mastered the art of fusing energetic strides with the beat of the music.

                                                                               

Signature Smile

A smile is a soothing, warm and receptive human action of turning up the corners of the mouth showing pleasure and/or amusement. Smiling is a sign of confidence and aplomb which is a necessary aid in so many instances. The modern woman therefore, needs to learn the art of being versatile and be able to give the kind of smile appropriate for each situation - be it an innocent, warm or seductive one.

Signature Pause

It is that strategic and defining stop or rest on the ramp mainly executed to give the audience a feel of ingenious modeling. The pause at an elevation of 90 degrees gives that 'feel me' impression which is easily read as confidence by the audience and the judges. So, when you need to make a pause wherever, remember it has to be majestic. Nothing too dramatic, but graceful all the same.

Signature Turn

Special mention needs to be made of Caroline Marufu (Miss Tourism Zimbabwe 2006) and Vannesa Sibanda (Miss Tourism Zimbabwe 2008). Their turns on the ramp were just pure perfection. The turn describes the willful and artful change of direction of movement while the model is in full flight mainly to give an assertive and authoritative picture. I normally describe it as the turn of greatness since it divulges all the bodily features not seen at first glimpse as the model enters the ramp. In everyday life, do not just make an about turn as if you are on parade ladies! Give it a little swag.

Signature Posture

Posture refers to the alignment of your bones, muscles, and nervous system and holding of one's body. Good alignment equals good balance and easy movement. Good posture gives you poise and distributes your weight so you look trimmer, more confident and healthy. When you stand, sit and walk with good posture, even your clothes fit better.

So who said only the likes of Naomi Campbell and Charlize Theron should be the only ones who get to have signature anything? Be the kind of woman who gets recognized by her stride, smile, turn, pause and posture because they are her signature!

                                                    

By Victor Tinashe Mpofu

WEEKEND SPECIAL: THE SWEET LIFE OF THE MODERN NAIJA!!!

Ekwueme Jane Frances is a young Nigerian aspiring model, based in Accra, Ghana. She is 17 years old, from Enugu State who True African Woman caught up with and had this to say about the modern Nigerian:

TAW: First things first, tell us a little about yourself?

“Meejakes is my nickname and purple is my fav colour. I love African salad and I would love to go to Hawaii.”  

TAW: What is your motto?  

“Determination is the key to success.”    

  

TAW: What are some of the hot fashion trends in Nigeria right now?

“Nigerian girls love to dress in mostly casual like trousers and fitting tops.
African prints have really gained grounds amongst Nigerian ladies. Nigerian ladies love to complement their skin hue with brightly coloured dresses. We also love to wear chiffons and satin fitted and a-line gowns.”

TAW: How would you describe the modelling industry in your country, especially from the point of view of someone aspiring like yourself?                       

“The Nigerian Modelling industry has improved but I can say it is where it should be. Its not easy at all to break in as there are lots of fake agencies and agents who take advantage of aspirants and registration is expensive.”

TAW: Give us your top five African songs right now?

“1. Mafikizulu and Uhuru - khona
  2. Fuse Odg and Wyclef - antenna
  3.  R2bees and Wizkid - slow down
 4. Davido - skelewu
5.  Mi and Becca - no away”

TAW: Many people from the rest of Africa associate Nigeria with juju, witchcraft etc because of what they see in Naija movies, how far true is that?

“Yes in Nigeria there is witchcraft and practice of juju but it’s at a minimal low now unlike before when it was an acceptable thing.”

TAW: Who is your African role model?

“Oluchi Onweagba - a Nigerian model.”

TAW: And then lastly, who is your African celebrity crush?

“DAVIDO!!!

J That was Meejakes for you Africa. If you want to be our WEEKEND SPECIAL, email us on tawmagazine@mail.com

Log onto www.facebook.com/trueafricanwomanmagazine for Meejakes’ pics.

GREATNESS DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN AWESOMENESS #ZAMBEZI NEWS LIVE S2 LAUNCH

The Book Cafe was last night packed to the rafters! The very term Zambezi News Live is a definite crowd puller. Why? Because you know you are guaranteed of rib cracking craziness from Michael K with his to die for British accent, Comrade Fatso (who is white by the way) with his “black” character and Outspoken with his frequent “blonde” moments. Unfortunately however, this time around, Zambezi did not seem to have that wow factor it usually has.

Uncle Sam was the opening act and well; drowning doesn’t get any worse than that! I figure at a comedy night it’s just as hilarious when comics lose it as when they kill itJ. And to say Uncle Sam lost it would just be an understatement!

And then it was time for the screening of Zambezi News Live’s second season! Would I buy it? I don’t know, but I don’t think so. Do not get me wrong, it was not bad, but it was not great either. It had its moments. A rib-cracking experience? I wouldn’t say that exactly.

We loved the satire, no doubt. One rarely goes wrong if they poke fun at our perennial electricity and water plagues. The word play was quite classic too:

“He was good in wood work, yeah. Sometimes he WOULD work, and sometimes he WOULDN’T work.” Lol

However, most of it was dry! I kept waiting for that wow moment, but it never came. And then suddenly, the screening was over and Clive Chigubhu was already doing the closing act. Ah!

The only time he killed me was when we went like oh oh Clive, did you rehearse? He goes like:

“Econet gives you bonus airtime at 3pm! Who are you going to call at that time except to say muka tiroye? Oh oh, wasn’t that meant to be 3am?” Lol.

“Have you ever went for an Aleck Macheso show?” Kkkkk no Clive, we have never WENT for an Aleck Macheso showJ.

And in no time at all, the show was over. I kept sitting as people began to file out thinking uuuhm maybe something else is still to come? No such thing, it was over, and already time to go home, stay for the next show or go find fun elsewhere. Handle! Just like that, nxa!

LADY BOSSES – TOTAL SHE DEVILS!!!

I know its super uncool of me to be writing about this; especially given that 1) I’m a woman and 2) this is a woman’s blog; but real talk? Women in power are just a pain!

I really would not know how guys relate to their lady bosses, maybe with the whole opposite sex thing it’s not really that bad for them, but for most women hell is sweeter!

She doesn’t even have to be the boss, the fact that she is your senior is good enough for her to make your life miserable at work, I mean come on! I worked somewhere once where this girl who was just my senior, not at all the boss, yet, every chance she got she made sure she made me uncomfortable, belittle every little thing I did...; I had a thought once that her agenda was to make me quit, she almost won, but I figured oh let us see where this goes eh.

Another thing with lady bosses is the erratic mood swings. Being women you know that tempers can just flare for no apparent reason. It could be that time of the month, trouble at home or just a moody temperament. Another place I worked at had me thinking that maybe I just got a bad first impression, or maybe she was just moody on that particular day, apparently, she was always like that. She was one of the team leaders; there were two of them actually. At least the other one would joke with you here and there if she liked you, the other, I was shocked once when I saw her smiling! Matter of fact, the smile looked odd on her face. Lol.

The problem with these kinds of scenarios is that if the lady boss or superior female workmate decides she does not like you, you are in trouble. The frustrating thing is that tensions may just rise because of something really trivial and silly! You may actually be hated on simply because you are prettier, wittier, slimmer, more educated, appear to be more sophisticated or classier. At first, it may not even mean anything to you because you are thinking oh puhleez who does that? And then in time, you figure well, just to push her buttons, let me do this and that, just to rattle her. And before you know it, everyday you are having a catfight of sorts. Women!

With male bosses now, all you’ve got to do is give your best smile and more often than not, you’ll have him wrapped around your little fingerJ. Yeah, don’t even go all holy on me because you know it’s true!

Back to the lady bosses, maybe it’s because they do not want people to think they do not deserve being where they are or something along those lines. Whatever reason for their up tightness, they just give women a bad name. Firstly because now people say all lady bosses and superiors are a problem and secondly, we end up not supporting our fellow women in power.

We end up being caught up in very nervous conditions (as Tsitsi Dangarembga would probably put itJ). On one hand you want to be supportive of your female bosses and superiors, but on the other, they don’t make it any easier because all the time you will be wishing for a male one. Definite lose-lose situation.

PRESS RELEASE #TRASHion Show 2013

Proudly Zimbabwean Foundation, through the sponsorship of Edgars and Swift, will be holding a TRASHion Show event on the 29^th of November 2013 at the Harare International School in Mt Pleasant starting at 6pm. The event will showcase fashion items made from ordinary trash. A team of 8 fashion designers have come up with 30 outfits that will be paraded by 10 models during the event. A panel of three judges will decide on the best outfit, with the designer receiving a prize.

Zimbabwe is facing a daunting challenge of waste management at all levels of the community. The country is currently generating 3 million tons of solid waste per year with no viable large scale Re-Use or Re-Cycling strategies. All this mixed waste is accumulating at various dumpsites around the country over and above illegal dumpsites mushrooming in residential and industrial areas. This is not only an eyesore but an extreme health hazard.

With this in mind, Proudly Zimbabwean Foundation through their flagship campaign, BIN-it Zimbabwe is pioneering an ambitious seperation@source program for domestic waste in high density areas. This program will capacitate emerging up and down stream industries using waste as an input by providing easy and health-conscious catchment areas for waste.

This event will not only showcase the immense talents that are housed in this country with local designers transforming what we see as ordinary waste into amazing fashion items, but will also act as a call-out to all Zimbabweans to come together and drive litter out of our country.. The anticipated result is that fashion in Zimbabwe will begin incorporating waste items at a Re-Use stage and further inspire new ideas and fabrics at Re-Cycling level. This will be an annual event to be held in a different city every year. This year’s edition is being co-ordinated by Zimbabwe’s famous designer, Colin Ratisai.

 Tickets to attend the event are going for $10.00 and available from selected Edgars Stores in Harare, Giovannis Coffee Shop at Arundel Village, Celebration Centre Bookshop and PZF Office address hereunder.

On The Ones & Twos With Dj Smoove!!!

“Scratch, scratch! Hit it!” And the party starts. We all love dancing, we all love partying and nothing gets the mood going at a party than good music being mixed by a professional disc jockey. Last Friday we had The Big Chill and one of the highlights was the star studded line-up of dee-jays which included arguably one of the best to ever come out of Zimbabwe, The Infamous Dj Smoove who was on fire as usual.

Born Deon Fulton in Harare, he is the first in a family of four children. His parents were avid music collectors and that definitely played a massive part in his journey to become the world class dj he is today. "My mom and dad were music collectors so I grew up around lots of records," he said in a chilled down tone which would make you think he was not the same guy who on stage is the Zimbabwean version of Fatman Scoop.

At only 12 years, Dj Smoove got noticed as he displayed some tight skills at a party and soon he became a resident dj at an afternoon joint. He started getting called up to do his thing at different places and the rest, as the cliché goes, is history. Most parents would not tolerate their young teen frequenting clubs and parties but his parents decided to give it a chance. "As long as I did well in school, I was allowed to do my thing. It was school first always and I did well academically so I never had problems with them”.

One of the most travelled entertainers, Dj Smoove has played all over the globe including in London, Germany, the Scandinavia region, Switzerland, Ghana, Kenya, Seychelles and South Africa just to name but a few. "I feel so blessed and lucky to have played at various places worldwide .The reception has been great especially in Africa, right now Botswana is high on the agenda.”

Many have wondered what the difference really is between a club dj and a radio dj so we asked Dj Smoove to shed some light. "A club dj makes people have fun. The music played in a club is not necessarily radio friendly. The radio guys are more of presenters and they are there to keep you company. Being a dj is all about your personality. You have to have a passion for music and you have to love what you do”.

Just like wine which gets better with time, Dj Smoove's skills continue to advance and now he has branched into music production. He is working with artistes like Ammara Brown and Rassie Ai on some projects. Currently he is getting ready to release a new project titled Dj Chronicles Vol.1 which promises to be a bomb as it will include artistes like Australian based Zimbabwean songstress, Gianna, Rassie Ai ,Joy Rocks and many more surprises.

As someone who has been in the game for a span now, the man famous for his trademark scratch believes that most local djs have dropped a standard or two technically. He is however impressed by their music selection. "Most of these guys have not been exposed to the right dee-jaying culture so technically it's still lacking." He is inspired by legends in the game including George Munetsi, Darlington Masenda, Harry Muvhuti, Otis Fraser, Kimble Rogers, Funkmaster Flexx and obviously Fatman Scoop. Amazingly, this dj does not prepare for his shows. "I just let the mood control the flow, the atmosphere guides the whole show".

For a guy who has performed round the globe, Dj Smoove is satisfied with the pay check at the end of the day. He is a proud dad to one-year old Brooklyn (perhaps the next Dj Smoove). As for all the ladies wondering if he is still on the market, he just said, "Let's keep them guessing". Guess we just have to scratch that part of the record for now....

Catch Dj Smoove on Star Fm's 'The Breeze' every Wednesday @ 1120hrs.You can also catch him @ club H2O every weekend...

Facebook: Dj Smoove

The writer Eddie Love Jones Biriyati is the Entertainment reporter for True African Woman Magazine. He is also an events dee-jay.

 

 

APP JUNKIES

Whoever came up with the idea of instant messaging in the form of WhatsApp should... wait; I’m not too sure what should be done to them. I still cannot decide if I love them or hate them.

Don’t you just love though how you always stay in touch with everyone because of WhatsApp? You can never be lonely. Your app pals are always there for you. Nobody can hide from you too. Why; because you can see WHEN EXACTLY somebody who is not replying your messages was last online! But then again, you too can’t hide, because they too can see when you were last online, lol.

I’ve become so fascinated by how you will see people in public places typing frantically on their phones. One time I was in a supermarket, frantically typing on my phone (being antisocial to my aunt who I was “shopping” with) when I almost bumped into things several times. And every time I looked up smiling to myself, I would notice almost everybody doing the same thing. So cannot imagine life without app.

One thing that never ceases to annoy me though, those long never ending messages that either demand or threaten you to pass the message to more than a dozen more people. Firstly, I don’t like reading a five page long message. It’s just tiresome. Secondly, I got better things to do than forward one boring message to my whole contact list; and lastly, just because there is a threat, I don’t forward! I’m like; now let’s see if that threat works lol. And to the person who would have sent the message to me; well, one has to be polite eh, so without bothering to read the message, I just scroll down to reply and send an emoji, a thank you or an Amen, J.

As much as talking to people the whole day is great, it’s just horrible when the only people online are the ones you don’t quite enjoy having conversations with. You reply because what else is there to do? Yes you don’t want to encourage them to keep texting, but then if you don’t respond, then your phone is going to be silent for who knows how long. Sad moments.

And then there are the WhatsApp groups. If there is anything that will send me to an early grave, it’s going to be that! It’s not enough that people just add you to their lousy groups without asking for your permission, but the members have to talk about nothing literally the whole day and get you annoyed and irritated by the notifications too. Meanwhile, every time you hear the ring tone, you figure it must be somebody interesting but oh no, it’s one of those groups again! Argh!

Funny how just talking with people like that can be so addictive. I fail to connect the dots! But who cares? Who says everything ought to make sense? So ciao for now people, got to get back to my app pals, been away too long already writing this articleJ.

SIMUKA COMEDY NIGHT UP IN FLAMES!!!

The house was on fire last night at the Book Café! But how could that not have happened when we had Q the Boss as host, Doc Vikela as the headline act and a crazy crowd?

The show started off with a performance by Dziva rembira – a male traditional music band. Their gear was definitely to die for! What with nhembe (animal skin traditional clothing) and all? But 30minutes of mbira was just too much! Twists like Dziva reMbira are nice surprises but only if they are for a very short time and we get into the business of the night ASAP! Yes, that of laughing!

I did say that Q was hosting didn’t I? Well that was just recipe for disaster!  Would you believe he told an already insane crowd that if they happened to not like an open mic act, all they had to do was shout for him to come back? As fate would have it, all of the acts save for one were shouted off the stage! The way it happened, I couldn’t stop laughing, although I did feel for the up starts at the same time. It was sad and funny at the same time. The only open mic who wasn’t shouted off, we liked. The guy’s got real potential and everybody loved the way he took control of the stage.

Apparently Q doesn’t like people interrupting him. There were some ladies who learnt this the hard way, I was so embarrassed on their behalf, I could have sunk in a hole! And then it was Seb Diesel’s turn. After the last Simuka, I was pretty nervous. He started off well, actually had some guys in tears and then I have no idea what happened. All of a sudden he was being vulgar – not in a funny way at all. It was in a way that had people calling for Q as if their lives depended on it. And he wouldn’t stop!

And then some guy from the audience comes and attempts to grab Seb’s mic. Upon failing he starts urging the crowd to call for Q and he actually goes backstage and literally drags Q on to the stage. By this time, I was laughing uncontrollably and in awe at how someone could do such a thing. That’s a comic crowd for you.

Doc Vikela was up next and he was definitely a breadth of fresh air. He started off with political jokes and he got the house applauding like mad! I liked his diversity of subjects because essentially, what we want to hear is satire about our daily lives which isn’t just about women and sex.

Doc was getting uproars at every turn! Midway through his act I was not laughing anymore. Not for want of humour mind you. Oh no! But my cheeks were burning! I’ve never laughed as hard! One of the ladies I was sitting on the same table with couldn’t help but shout “He’s on fire!” And oh yes, Vikela was definitely up in flames! BURNING!

The best part was when he got to dissing celebrities - Sani for his last century summer shirts, Sulumane and Peter for their non-existent voices and Tichafa Matambanadzo for his crappy name. Lol.

I mean come on! What was there not to love; curtain raisers almost wetting their pants because of a crazy crowd shouting them off stage, a host not making the situation any better and the Headline Act sending us home in style? Crazy Comedy Night and one of the best I’ve had! Thumbs up Simuka!!!

The Big Chill - Harare's Biggest Slam!!!

Harare's nightlife is no doubt the most hectic in Zimbabwe as the people of this city party like there is no tomorrow. The city has hosted various events including shows performed by international acts like Akon, Sean Paul, Beenie Man, P.Square and most recently D'Banj. However, the beginning of 2013 saw an event coming onto the scene and changing the game altogether. It is The Big Chill and it has become Harare's most happening monthly event.

Last Friday at Old Hararians Sports Club was the 7th installment of The Big Chill which as always rocked big time! Performing live on stage were Ammara Brown, Few Kings & Dadza D backed by a hot line up of dee-jays including the internationally acclaimed Dj Smoove, Dj Hotspitter, Chucknosis and the 'Game Recognize Game' duo of Ash Stylez & Nivek.

All the performers gave a fantastic show but no doubt the night belonged to dancehall star Dadza D who sent the crowd into a frenzy with hits like 'mvura hakuna' and 'uyu ndiani'. He really proved to all and sundry that Zim Dancehall has definitely taken over as his performance was filled with energy. Not to be outdone was Ammara Brown who's dances captivated the crowd and left most guys looking for her number (tough luck gents).

The djs also had their 'A' game on as they were dropping them down hit after hit. The usual 'suspects' Chuckie, Dj Hotspitter and Game Recognize Game really steered the ship as they had some heavy mixes. Chuckie in particular was outstanding and he has become what we can call the resident dj of The Big Chill. Dj Smoove was no doubt the top billing spinner at the event and as usual his set was world class. No wonder he is one of Zimbabwe's biggest experts when we talk of entertainment.

The Big Chill is organised by Khaya Defero and hosted by Star FM every month and Old Hararians has become the natural venue. This event offers fans the chance to mix and mingle with the whos who of entertainment in Zimbabwe. Star FM should be especially commended for their advertising and hosting of the event. The night's MCs were TXO-The Crossover presenter, Nikki and StarFM Sport's Chief Koti and to say they were amazing would be an understatement!

Thumbs up to everyone who came on Friday, the atmosphere was amazing and it showed that Harare is one of the most happening cities in Africa. All we can say is we cannot wait for the next Big Chill.

Facebook: The Big Chill

The writer Eddie Love Jones Biriyati is the Entertainment reporter for True African Woman Magazine. He is also an events dee-jay.

SO YOU THINK YOU ARE FUNNY EH? #SIMUKAWORKSHOP

Apparently, there is more to Stand up Comedy than what meets the eye. I always thought one just got on stage and said whatever came to mind and voila! Comedy night.

I went for the SimukaWorkshop this weekend and well, I must say, it was quite eye-opening. Would you believe that comics actually go through years of practice to get to where they are – studying other comics, going around comedy clubs botching it up like mad and having workshops? Handle! All that just to learn how to go on-stage and make people laugh? INCREDIBLE!

So I got to the workshop some five minutes after it had just started and to my horror, I had just settled in when I was called to go up and participate in a game of comic advertising that was being played. People would go in twos, take a random object and in turn advertise it as if in a commercial. The twist was, it was impromptu and you had to be funny. The lesson was, don’t think too hard, just be yourself. Easier said than done I tell you.

The next game was a sort of pimped up broken telephone. Each person had to say a word out loud, right up to the last person and the aim was to construct a humorous sentence. The lesson here was, ‘don’t try to be funny, be funny’. Honestly, I’ve got lots of respect for comics after this experience because being funny is HARD WORK!

My favourite of all the games we played was where you had to compliment the person seating on your left in one round and then turn that compliment in to an insult during the second round. Lol! You would never believe how dissing each other can be such fun! Crazy moments for sure.

In between the games, there were presentations by Simba The Comic King and Doc Vikela and to say I enjoyed myself would definitely be the understatement of not just the century but the whole MILLENIUM! Who would have thought there were actually theories and techniques and the whole lot to stand up comedy? Definitely not me.

I liked that the workshop was small and intimate, oft times we were paired up which made everybody feel part of the team. The games were involving, making the experience not only fun and casual but also a kind of intermission between the presentations. They say 45 minutes is the most any human being can take at a time concentrating on something. Well Simba and Doc made sure we never got around to too long doing the same thing. That was super creative, informative and entertaining; it felt like a private stand up comedy show because we had some of the country’s best comics all to ourselves for a whole 3 HOURS!!! Learning doesn’t get any better than that!

The lessons learnt were invaluable that my public presentations are definitely going to be having lots of spicing up. You just wait and see! And I’m sure the up and coming comics who came are also going to be upping their game as well. Some of them are going to be curtain raising for the Thursday night Simuka Comedy show at Book Cafe. Let’s see if they got something from the workshop eh.

DEALING WITH THE PUBLIC – AN ETERNAL HELL!!!

Customer Care is the hardest job on earth! Why? Because it is about dealing with the public! So what is wrong with dealing with the public? Nothing, except that you ought to have really good acting skills, otherwise – you could not last.

THE REALLY STUPID

Last week I was working at the front of where I work, doing what we call ‘meet and greet’ where you meet customers as they enter, you greet them and assist them to go where they are supposed to go. So this guy tells me his query and as I am explaining how he can get assistance I hand him a form. By this time, I am so tired, hungry, and my cheeks are literally burning from talking and smiling - it’s almost end of day, so you can imagine. And this guy asks me “so what am I supposed to do with this form?” Ah! What did you want to do with it, give it to the cow? FILL IT IN SILLY!

THE REALLY DIFFICULT

Yesterday, I got in to a shop where one customer was giving the manager a piece of his mind! He was so furious, he was shaking, “you are so ridiculously expensive here! Why aren’t you like so and so, I go there all the time and they do such and such, way better than what I am getting here!” All the while I’m thinking, oh come on! Don’t be such a nuisance!!! Go there where you like the services! Nxa!

THE SMELLY

One time, again when I was doing the meet and greet thing, I met a number of guys who almost made me run out of air. It wasn’t just bad breadth; it was a nasty odour coming from the whole person, and not just sweat, but a combination of bad breadth, sweat, and not having showered for so many days! I almost died!

WANNABE UP CLASS

These type of people aren’t irritating per say, they just leave you in wonder. Seriously! One client almost had me doubling over in laughter once and it took me all I had to keep a straight face on. To think I had actually greeted her in Shona, the least she could have done is stick to the mother tounge and save us all the embarrassment, lol.

THE BADLY DRESSED

My friends and I in High School used to call it “good clothes happening to bad people”, lol or “bad clothes happening to good people”. Do not get me wrong, I am not talking about the financially challenged (could never be a snob like that), I am talking of just plain poor wardrobe choice. One guy had all the girls at my work place in fits of laughter. We would all signal at each other and double over kkkk and poor guy had no idea he had just spiced up our day. Honestly, he had on white shoes, red pants, red floral tucked in shirt, bow tie and shadesJ. For real, in this 21^st century he was confident enough to walk like that.

And do you know what the worst part of dealing with these kinds of people is? You’ve got to keep your cool, smile and politely serve them. Tsk tsk dealing with the public – no job like it.