ONLY IN AFRICA!

I love being an African because there is just no place like the motherland. If there ever was anything that the continent was generously endowed with, doing the unbelievable has to be it. Seriously! Sometimes I wonder if people even stop to think before they do what they do or if they just go with the flow and unwittingly provide content for humour for us poor souls.

Take our English names for example. I am pretty sure it is only in Africa where you will find people with mean parents giving their children names that are just unbelievingly comical. Take Liberty, Honesty, Godknows, Needmore, Nomatter, Norest, Reason, Moreblessing, Lovemore, Intergrity, Nomore and Givemore for instance. My favourite is our Nigerian president’s name – Goodluck Jonathan. Really? These are not even the worst of them. Ever heard of Moreboys, Chemistry, Forward, Atonement, Fact, Trust, January, Trymore, Wisdom, Only, Thanks, Takesure, Amazing, Nevilite, Tryness, Kindness, Reality and Kingdom? Like I said, only in Africa!

Brand names are another object of abuse by our fellow peoples. You hear people referring to all types of toothpaste as Colgate, all types of washing powder as Surf, all types of fabric softeners as Sta Soft, all types of scouring powder as Vim, all types of floor polish as Cobra and all types of juice as Mazoe. Unbelievable! The funny thing would be when you find yourself doing just that. One of the main reasons is usually that if you try to use the proper product name, you might find yourself having a serious communication breakdown. Only in Africa my friend!

I might say that incredibly wrong English statements are becoming the continent’s specialty. Ever heard people say “please borrow me…” when in actual fact they want to say “please lend me…”, or “I will borrow you” when they mean that they want to lend you. My skin still crawls every time I hear “cousin brother” and “cousin sister”, regardless of how many times I have heard it already. “He bored me” is by all means the most classic. What this individual means is that he/she was annoyed. And where in the world people got laughicious, conscientise and irregardless, I can only wonder.

You also know that you are definitely in Africa when you hear an “err” sound in the middle of a word. Like, “berrg” for bag, “ferrct” for fact. My favourite, is when people put the “ey” sound. Like “heyd” for heard, “cheych” for church, and “teyn” for ten. The logic totally defies me, but perhaps to the person saying it, it sounds very right.

That is our beloved Africa for you. No place like it.