IT’S A GUY THING?

Men! I have laboured to understand what makes them tick, but, not surprisingly at all, I have failed dismally! I have a theory. If they did not all come from the same woman, they most definitely came from the same woman. Seriously, have you noticed their behaviour? Regardless of their race, tribe, religion or class, men are men at the end of the day. Their behaviour with regards to us women is just unbelievable and they stick up for each other in the most ridiculous of ways!

One thing I have not yet decided how to feel about is how these guys break up with us. I am not sure if I should find it hilarious or just plain infuriating. Here is why; when a guy sees you probably for the first time, or when he realises that he is madly attracted to you, not even a fire hail storm could stop him from getting you. He will do all that a mortal man can do just to get you. But just you wait and see what he will do and say when he does not want you anymore. Because this article is about how guys are unbelievable, we are going to be biased and not talk of when we women break their hearts. Yes we can be heartless at times, but the guys take the cup!

I did a small survey among my guy friends and you will not believe some of the nasty break-up lines they have used on their past girlfriends! It’s not you - it’s me; you deserve better than me; I can’t do this anymore; I don’t deserve you; I need a break; I think we should see other people… But then, how could you not? I am pretty sure one in every two of your past boyfriends most probably said or did something worse. One guy was like “I don’t break up with girls. I just go quiet”. Seriously?     

The most ideal and romantic of notions would be that people should never break up, or that if it comes to that point, it is consensual. Granted, there is no easy way of breaking up with someone, but these guys should at least try to put some heart in to it! Personally, what infuriates me the most is when at first I did not even like the pig. And then he probably wormed his way into my life and then after what I would have thought was a wonderful time together he says “I can’t do this anymore, it’s not you it’s me, I need some space”, ah! UNBELIEVABLE! And you are left thinking, “where did all this come from? How did I miss the signs? What did I do wrong? What happened?” In the meantime, the prick is already having the time of his life with someone else, and poor you is devastated for days.

Nxa! Men! We cannot live with them, and we cannot live without them either. Argh!

MISS DIAMOND QUEEN OF AFRICA 2013

Over the weekend, the grand finale of the continent’s first ever Miss Diamond Queen of Africa was happening at the Harare International Conference Centre. And if you were not there, I feel for you, because the Conference Centre was hosting some of Africa’s finest! A more apt title could not have been chosen for the pageant because the queens definitely had diamond shaped figures. True African women flaunting what their mamas gave them. I like the concept. Why should we only celebrate size zero when talking of the ideal woman’s body? Size zero is beautiful yes, but so is plus size. After this experience, I am convinced that beauty definitely comes in all shapes and sizes.

The event started with the cultural segment, where the girls show cased their talents and at the same time sharing with us their culture. There was dancing and singing, and in this category, the Zambian belle was the crowd favourite as she showed us what true belly dancing is. After the photogenic category, High Definition came on stage and blew us all away. Everything suddenly became larger than life. Their dancing was just mad crazy. The ladies could not stop screaming and it was over just way too soon. Orchid came up next and the ladies meant business. No joking around when it’s time for dancing.

 Apparently, the queens had gone for Zumba lessons, where they had been prejudged for the title of Miss Fitness. The top five and their instructor gave us a taste of what Zumba is all about. After what I saw, Zumba is most definitely up on number one on my to-do list! I mean if the instructor is super-hott eye-candy, who am I to deny myself the pleasure of keeping fit? 

As we waited for the judges to deliberate, BaShupi took the stage with such force that to say the room was literally on fire would be an understatement! One has so got to love the way the paparazzi was all over the place. Felt like we were in Hollywood! Finally the judges made their decision and: Nancy from Mozambique was 2^nd princess, Boitumelo from South Africa 1^st princess and our very own Zimbabwean Chiedza Gwanda won the title and is now reigning Miss Diamond Queen of Africa 2013. And with that, the evening came to a beautiful end.

SUMMER IS HERE!

Summer is the warmest season of the year; a period of fruition, fulfilment, happiness and beauty. When the sun comes up, it brightens up everything. Even the birds and the butterflies know that summer is here. How could they not, when the roses, lilies, orchids, forget-me-nots and the hibiscuses are blooming – declaring that with no doubt, summer is here!

So if nature knows that summer is here, do you? What shows that you do? Because when it was winter; dark, dull and boring clothes made the most sense and staying indoors was logical. But now that winter is over and the happy season is back again, there is just no reason for you to be left behind in Gloomyville.

I know shopping is a favourite for most women. So here is an excuse to go on a spree. Go with your girlfriends and get yourselves some colourful sandals, shorts, short skirts and dresses. Get yourselves those veranda sun hats and shades that will most definitely make you traffic stoppers! Its summer - carefree season! So shed off all that up tightness and get into the spirit of the moment!

Now that it is nice and hot, all the swimming pools are open, and ice-cream parlours are definitely making the best ice-cream that can be made. This is also the time that most sports are in season. Take up a new hobby and go watch a game of something you have never watched – basketball, cricket, volleyball… Live for today ladies. And today being summer time, enjoy it like it is your last!

ONLY IN AFRICA!

I love being an African because there is just no place like the motherland. If there ever was anything that the continent was generously endowed with, doing the unbelievable has to be it. Seriously! Sometimes I wonder if people even stop to think before they do what they do or if they just go with the flow and unwittingly provide content for humour for us poor souls.

Take our English names for example. I am pretty sure it is only in Africa where you will find people with mean parents giving their children names that are just unbelievingly comical. Take Liberty, Honesty, Godknows, Needmore, Nomatter, Norest, Reason, Moreblessing, Lovemore, Intergrity, Nomore and Givemore for instance. My favourite is our Nigerian president’s name – Goodluck Jonathan. Really? These are not even the worst of them. Ever heard of Moreboys, Chemistry, Forward, Atonement, Fact, Trust, January, Trymore, Wisdom, Only, Thanks, Takesure, Amazing, Nevilite, Tryness, Kindness, Reality and Kingdom? Like I said, only in Africa!

Brand names are another object of abuse by our fellow peoples. You hear people referring to all types of toothpaste as Colgate, all types of washing powder as Surf, all types of fabric softeners as Sta Soft, all types of scouring powder as Vim, all types of floor polish as Cobra and all types of juice as Mazoe. Unbelievable! The funny thing would be when you find yourself doing just that. One of the main reasons is usually that if you try to use the proper product name, you might find yourself having a serious communication breakdown. Only in Africa my friend!

I might say that incredibly wrong English statements are becoming the continent’s specialty. Ever heard people say “please borrow me…” when in actual fact they want to say “please lend me…”, or “I will borrow you” when they mean that they want to lend you. My skin still crawls every time I hear “cousin brother” and “cousin sister”, regardless of how many times I have heard it already. “He bored me” is by all means the most classic. What this individual means is that he/she was annoyed. And where in the world people got laughicious, conscientise and irregardless, I can only wonder.

You also know that you are definitely in Africa when you hear an “err” sound in the middle of a word. Like, “berrg” for bag, “ferrct” for fact. My favourite, is when people put the “ey” sound. Like “heyd” for heard, “cheych” for church, and “teyn” for ten. The logic totally defies me, but perhaps to the person saying it, it sounds very right.

That is our beloved Africa for you. No place like it.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE MONTH OF AUGUST

·         August is the eighth month of the year in the Julian and Gregorian Calendars.

·          It is also one of seven months with a length of 31 days.

·         The Anglo-Saxons called August by the name Weod-monath (weed month) as it is the month when weeds grow most rapidly.

·         In the Southern Hemisphere, August is the seasonal equivalent of February in the Northern Hemisphere.

·         Twenty-two per cent of Norwegians named August were born in August.

·         In common years no other month starts on the same day of the week as August.

·         August ends on the same day of the week as November every year.

·         Henry VI Part 1 and The Tempest are the only Shakespeare plays that mention August.

·         This month was originally named Sextilis in Latin, because it was the sixth month in the original ten-month Roman calendar under Romulus in 753 BC, when March was the first month of the year.

·         About 700 BC it became the eighth month when January and February were added to the year before March by King Numa Pompilius, who also gave it 29 days.

·         Julius Caesar added two days when he created the Julian calendar in 45 BC giving it its modern length of 31 days.

·         In 8 BC it was renamed in honor of Augustus (despite common belief, he did not take a day from February).

·         On the 21^st of August 1911, Leornado de Vinci’s Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre Gallery.

·         In 1963 on the 28^th of August, Martin Luther King made his famous “I have a dream” speech.

·         On the 31^st of this same month in 1997, Princess Dianna was killed.

DIARY OF A MAD BLACK AFRICAN WOMAN

Black women in Africa have come a very long way to be where they are today. Before colonialism, they were oppressed and suppressed from the very day they were born, right up to the day they took their last breath. When colonialism did come, they had the double tragedy of being both black and female. It is only in the last decade or two that women in Africa have truly gained their place on the planet.

BEFORE COLONIALISM

Before colonialism, most societies in Africa were patriarchal, as such; male domination was the status quo. Female oppression started at birth. A male child was more valuable than a girl child, hence, if twins were born, the female one would be the one to be killed, because twins were a taboo. In the homestead, a girl’s brothers and father were as good as her masters. They determined her present and future. When she moved to her matrimonial home, her husband became her new lord. He could do as he willed with her and it was nobody’s business. No matter how tortured they were, it was a disgrace for a woman to leave her husband. If she chose that path, she would have disgraced herself, her children, her family and her whole clan. That being said, many would rather endure the pain of marriage and put on a good front for society.

DURING COLONIALISM

When colonialism came, being black was a curse – double tragedy if you were a woman too, for in addition to the traditional oppression by their black society, women were also oppressed by the white system. In the beginning, there was no place for them at any learning institution. When at last they were allowed education, they had second preference. If the family could only afford to send one child to school, the girl child would not be among the options. The working world was even crueller. At first women were not allowed in the working environment at all. With time, they began entering the working class bit by bit. But even with that, they would get a lower salary than their male colleagues. Promotion was also very difficult for them to get and often they would fall victim to sexual harassment. It was also not until the last twenty to thirty years that women were allowed to exercise their right to vote.

AFTER COLONIALISM

For a while after many countries had attained independence, things remained the same as the new black governments carried on the colonial legacy. Thanks to the calls for the emancipation of women by many institutions including human rights activists, NGOs, feminists and many others, universal suffrage was made to include women, affirmative action was introduced to give women equal opportunity with men in schools and labour laws were put in place to save women from their plight. Today, we have a lot of black women on the continent who are among some of the most powerful and influential people in the world. Black women in Africa are doing big things now world over. Talk of Castor Semenya – South African Athlete; Dlamini Zuma – Chairperson of the A. U Commission, Tsitsi Dangarembga – Zimbawean author playwright and film maker; Joyce Banda – President of Malawi; Yondo Sister – Congolese suokous singer who made Africa go mad with her music in the ‘90s for example. And for that, we definitely have a lot to be proud of because we have indeed come a long way.

Girl Code

There are numerous unwritten rules of conduct among girlfriends that have been in existence for as long as man can remember. This week, True African Woman thought she would remind her girls of the girl code that gets a bit distorted because of occasional selfishness.

ORIGINALITY

There is nothing as irritating as a girlfriend that has no originality. If your friend gets a new hairdo, pair of shoes, or grand outfit - the very next day you go and get yourself the very same thing, and not even altering the style. There is nothing wrong with drawing inspiration from your friends, but it should be just that – INSPIRATION! Get the basic idea and add your own personality. Also, do not be in the habit of always wanting what your friend has or being the kind of person who goes out and buys herself something just because her friend has it. You might not see it that way but it is out right insecurity that comes out as competition. It also means that you crave for attention because you cannot stand the fact that your friend has something you do not have, and the thought of her getting more compliments than you enrages you, so you do not want her to be the only one who has what she has. If that is not being a bad friend, I do not know what it is.

GOSSIPING

Do not gossip about your friend. I know this is an especially difficult thing for us women as it is what we do best and worse still if you hang as a group of friends. There will always be that one person in the group whom you are closest to, and always that one or two persons in the group who do the most irritating things. Beware though of the temptation to talk about them, because news always gets around, and it is a horrible thing losing a good friendship all because you just could not shut up. Everyone is irritating sometimes, even you, so DO NOT GOSSIP!

MAKE AN EFFORT

As we grow older, we take on more responsibilities and so our social lives often suffer. However, it should not always be like that. Nobody said that you should get rid of your friends as soon as you get married. Sometimes it may not happen consciously. Most women end up being so engrossed in their homemaking that they abandon their friends. Friends are important. Even if your hubby is your moon and sun, do not let your friends slip away. Keep in touch, go out, have fun and keep yourself looking and feeling youthful.

MEN

We hate them! But we love them all the same. It has been said that your girlfriend’s ex is a no-go area. Well, any guy that your girlfriend has had designs on is a no-no. Even if he likes you better, do not be heartless! It happens though that you fall hopelessly in love with the guy that your BFF is also head over heels for. What do you do in a situation like that? The best thing to do is for the two of you to have a heart to heart talk and you both decide the way forward. Either you both drop the guy, or it is a “best woman wins” – the situation demands that you both agree on the way forward. A boyfriend is important, but nothing should be more important than your BFF, because in the end, the person you are going to want to run to is her.

With that in mind, do not let yourself lose a good friend just because you were too selfish to consider her feelings and put her first every once in a while.

TRAVEL GUIDE

When you travel, the last thing you need is for the experience to be unbearable. So in order to avoid this, nothing does it like proper planning. Therefore, if you are going to be on a journey for more than an hour, here are some things to be mindful of:

1.      THE MODE OF TRANSPORT

Living in the 21^st century sure does have its perks and transport is one of them. Depending on where you plan to go, one usually has the choice of either going by air, road, rail or water. It is either private or public transport. If it is public, there is first class, middle class and economy class. What you need to do with so many options is to choose wisely. Your decision should be based on a) price b) comfort c) services d) time it is going to take to travel, and e) reputation of the mode of transport.

2.      ENTERTAINMENT

Nothing irritates me more than sitting next to a boring or annoying person, or having nasty material being played on the transport television or radio. So what you need to do is make sure you have adequate material to keep yourself entertained – novels, magazines, movies to watch on your laptop or tab, music …

3.      ENOUGH BATTERIES

Always make sure that all your gadgets are fully charged and that you have extra batteries. You do not want to be in a situation where you are stuck and cannot call anyone because your phone battery is flat just because you could not get off the social networks.

4.      YOUR MONTHLY PERIOD MATTERS

Unless it is an emergency, never ever go on a journey just before, during or just after your period. It is extremely uncomfortable, never mind unhygienic.

5.      EXTRA CASH

Do not ever be caught in a situation where you carry enough money for the bus fare. So many unforeseen things may happen on the ride, and many a time, only cash can fix those things. So always have extra cash on you.

6.      WEAR COMFORTABLE CLOTHES

Going on a journey, you are going to be sitting down the whole time, and to be honest there really is no one to impress – everyone is concerned with getting to where they are going. So do not frustrate yourself for no reason. But remember! Comfort does not mean drab! Put on a nice pair of flats, comfty underwear, it is up to you whether you decide on a skirt, dress, shorts, jeans… Casual usually makes more sense than formal. But then again, whatever makes you comfortable.